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Baptism Just A Bath With An Audience

When God looked down on the spherical Earth and saw everyone sinning, he realised there was a big problem and so he came up with a brilliant plan to solve it. What was this plan, you ask? He told them to have a bath. Genius.

All men have sinned, so they tell us. We don't know how they know, but we were afraid to ask. Then they told us not to fear, because the Bible has the solution, and it's real simple. You can just wash those sins right off, with water! How about that? You don't even need soap!

Yes folks, you heard right. God really doesn't like sin (even though he invented it - go figure!), but all you have to do is take a bath and you're all good. We admit we were a tad concerned when they started talking about being washed in the blood of Jesus, but apparently you don't really need to do that and water works just as well. Phew! Besides, how would you really know if it was genuine? And how can everyone bathe in the same guy's blood? Do they recycle it? ew, gross. We'll stick with water, thanks.

Oh, there is one catch. Well, two, but maybe that thin, white dress will look good on you. When you have your magic bath in your pure, white robe (and your bathers underneath because you know damn well that beige material is gonna go see-through the second it gets wet), all your family and friends, as well as a whole bunch of people you barely know, will gather round and watch! Oh joy. That's not creepy at all.

And the best bit is you only need one bath (even though the first Christadelphian had at least two because he wasn't sure if the first one was the right kind of bath). Apparently the magic lasts for life. When you do your sins after that you can just tell God you're sorry and he'll be cool with it. Just be sure to have that magic bath first, because the water is like pretend Jesus blood. You should totally think about that when you're lying down in it.

You see, early on God got super angry about the whole sin thing and wanted to kill everyone for it. But then he changed his mind and decided to have Jesus brutally murdered, and now the rest of us can just have a bath instead. Cool, hey? Thanks, God!

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