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Youngsters Suffer Bitter Defeat At Sunday Fraternal Lunch

Yesterday's brutal clash between the Youngsters and the Oldies has left the Youngsters with egg on their faces, literally. Our reporters were on the scene to capture the highs and lows as they unfolded.

The opening ceremony kicked off early with several musical performances to get the crowd warmed up, and a rather long motivational speech that seemed to just drag on and on. Finally the last chord played from the organ and players began to huddle in their teams to discuss strategies and overall game plan.

Before long it was time to set up the stadium for the big match, and everyone took their seats around the outside. There was excitement and chatter all around, as the tension started to build.

The tables were carried out into the middle of the stadium, topped with a smorgasbord of weird and wonderful culinary experiments. As the smells wafted into the air, several taps on the microphone brought the crowd to silence. The referee then offered a lengthy prayer, asking for God to watch over the afternoon's proceedings.

As soon as the prayer had finished there was a sudden uproar as one of the Youngsters made a dash for the nearest table. However, the referee was quick to blow the whistle and issue a 10 minute penalty to the Youngsters, allowing the Oldies to get a head start. This put the Youngsters rather on edge as they watched the Oldies clean up on table 1.

Several of the Oldies made a bee-line for Aunty Meg's famous pumpkin soup, which was gone in no time at all. Next there was a crowd starting to gather around Aunty Myrtle's chicken casserole. There were cheers from the crowd as Uncle Bill legged it round the end of table 2 on his way to the potato salad.

"We haven't seen Uncle Bill move so fast in months!", said a spectator, "Not since, well, last fraternal lunch".

There was speculation that some members on the Oldies team hadn't eaten for days, in preparation for the big match. Their fine display of agility was quite a surprise to all, given that just an hour earlier they had struggled to stay awake through the opening ceremony. We suspect several of them took advantage of the long speech with a power nap or two, especially going by the sudden burst of energy as they now made their way to the third and final table.

It was almost time for the Youngsters to join the match, as Aunty Martha edged closer to the party food at the end of table 3. While no one was looking, she snuck a few sausage rolls and a party pie onto her plate, grinning mischievously like a 4-year-old who had just stolen a cookie from the cupboard.

Finally the referee called the Youngsters up and it was on for one and all. Players streamed in from all directions, like a plague of locusts. However, the excitement was over just as soon as it began, as the Youngsters soon realised all of the best food was already gone. Still, they managed to fill their plates all the same, and the locusts returned to their seats, leaving just a few latecomers still looking for stray crumbs that might have been left behind.

The referee called half-time, and the tables were cleared away. This presented a golden opportunity for a couple of tiny streakers who took off across the stadium floor. They managed to get half way across before security charged after them and carried them back to their prams.

The second half of the match played out much like the first, with several of the Oldies breaking the Guinness World Record for the amount of dessert balanced on a single bowl. The Youngsters also got in much earlier this time, but they proved no match for the more experienced Oldies who had already taken possession of most of the serving spoons.

That's when it all started going wrong for the Youngsters. Several Youngsters forfeited after Uncle Harry accidentally dropped his false teeth in the jelly. A few more Youngsters tried to take command of the ice cream scoop but they were fly tackled to the floor by Aunty Mavis. This left only a handful of Youngsters still in the game, but they were far outpaced by Uncle Fred's group who were already onto their third helping.

Just a few minutes later the referee called time, and it was all over. The Oldies had managed another epic victory over the Youngsters, and were all looking forward to a very satisfying afternoon nap.

Meanwhile the Youngsters were tasked with cleaning up, which was the traditional penalty given to the losing team ever since the beginning of the Oldies' winning streak 73 years ago.

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