tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49179248806366436352024-03-13T16:08:31.975+10:30The Christian DolphinYour best source for Christadelphian NewsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-78061474966383443642022-02-09T19:54:00.000+10:302022-02-09T19:54:13.231+10:30Prayers To End Covid Accidentally Delivered To God Who Created It<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjB19uY6yIImVoyn-9PdEkGGLEmvqescnx7OuUDaBSQwFCSMuTfs-gRgKoicDG4ITEDX4XVmo9JdBelJ8JHXL1TpFg9hJDIHptz-kyqomf6sG55f3XDmyd4OBAc6NyviuzhF-3CwiO20EXw4yEvjXpi7-cljKSxgcLGM7Ghf63PGS5BJAGtgzqJqQ=s640" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjB19uY6yIImVoyn-9PdEkGGLEmvqescnx7OuUDaBSQwFCSMuTfs-gRgKoicDG4ITEDX4XVmo9JdBelJ8JHXL1TpFg9hJDIHptz-kyqomf6sG55f3XDmyd4OBAc6NyviuzhF-3CwiO20EXw4yEvjXpi7-cljKSxgcLGM7Ghf63PGS5BJAGtgzqJqQ=w320-h213" width="320" /></a></div><br />An unfortunate switchboard error has resulted in all prayers for the Covid-19 pandemic to end being sent to the god who created the pandemic rather than someone who might actually be able to help.<p></p><p><span></span></p><a name='more'></a>Several Christadelphians recently alerted staff to the possibility that Covid-19 may have been intentionally foisted on the world by God as some kind of punishment, presumably as a response to the sound of their hymn singing (we can only speculate at this point).<br /><p></p><p>Indeed, after a brief inquiry, it has been discovered that since the very beginning of the pandemic, all prayers for Covid-19 to end have been getting delivered to the same god that created it. Such a mistake might seem unreasonable for divine beings to make but if you had seen the amount of paperwork you might want to cut them some slack. Besides, imagine spending your entire life foregoing the pleasures of sin only to be "rewarded" with a permanent desk job in front of a prayer phone! When they promised no hunger or sleep, no one mentioned that this was so they could keep you working around the clock!</p><p>Perhaps the silver lining here is that the prayers from Christadelphians asking for Covid-19 to get worse have also been delivered to the wrong recipient. So there's that.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-36100339455680172712021-01-11T22:09:00.001+10:302021-01-11T22:09:26.952+10:30Christadelphians Still Scrambling To Find Coronavirus Prophecy In Bible<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4FrAO3T_cmEsR2sn_l_n-H4iyLn2dc2DexES0oqd7Vqckqv6G79xUpoXTsXmR8gp7yxuE4moIAa_nQwHjr0Nq20PvMSZ9hQ-n0B8zCwxtr-G0uZsGPhOJNiKWajuLTi6kSuxbqBApHA/s640/coronavirus-4972480_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4FrAO3T_cmEsR2sn_l_n-H4iyLn2dc2DexES0oqd7Vqckqv6G79xUpoXTsXmR8gp7yxuE4moIAa_nQwHjr0Nq20PvMSZ9hQ-n0B8zCwxtr-G0uZsGPhOJNiKWajuLTi6kSuxbqBApHA/w320-h181/coronavirus-4972480_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />If there is one thing Christadelphians agree on, it is that the global pandemic of 2020 was a message from God. However, the English translation is still a way off.<p></p><p><span></span></p><a name='more'></a>Many Christadelphians seemed quite sure that this was God's way of telling us the end is near. We suspect if those people got a flat tyre or lost their keys they would probably interpret those events in much the same way. We usually feel like that on Monday mornings. But actually lining up the events of 2020 with any biblical prophecy has proved rather tricky.<p></p><p>The hot favourite is a verse in Revelation chapter 6 because it happens to mention the word "pestilence". A clear match, we're sure you will agree. In former years this same verse has been used to explain all manner of outbreaks from the Spanish Flu to Swine Flu, which were also no doubt part of God's message of the world coming to an end. God really doesn't have much else to tell us, as it turns out.</p><p>In the information age where we have about two dozen apps for communicating with anyone on the planet in milliseconds, God's preferred method of reaching out to us is apparently by randomly killing off our relatives and a bunch of people in a foreign country. He's old fashioned like that. We're just glad we have the Christadelphians on hand to decipher the message before God runs out of people to murder.</p><p>"The world is ending soon". Ok, cheers.</p><p>The same verse in Revelation also mentions 25% of the world's population dying by sword, famine and wild animals, but unless 2020 was even worse than we thought, these events are obviously still ahead of us. The verse isn't clear whether the wild animals are the ones brandishing the swords and destroying our farms but we'd best not rule that out.</p><p>Stay safe out there folks!</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-34759001258578177152020-02-05T23:17:00.000+10:302020-02-05T23:18:22.383+10:30Christadelphians Offer To Teach You What God Really Meant<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBv8orXccXWSbrJyZtUq8D61oiaNqpiDqx4BvXJpcm404vsEzGtmSotLCLrlMUl_I9go9GfDbRnZlp58d3o4qUrQnNgo0VNmYJdE2uzyk0AtYY56BOZxYB5BSTQR_NAQZ-dKGqwHc1A/s1600/book-3176712_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBv8orXccXWSbrJyZtUq8D61oiaNqpiDqx4BvXJpcm404vsEzGtmSotLCLrlMUl_I9go9GfDbRnZlp58d3o4qUrQnNgo0VNmYJdE2uzyk0AtYY56BOZxYB5BSTQR_NAQZ-dKGqwHc1A/s200/book-3176712_640.jpg" width="200" /></a>The Christadelphians tell us that God wrote a perfect book containing his clear message for all of humankind, but they insist on helping you understand it correctly, you know, just in case.<br />
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Finding a good publisher was tough in the iron age. If you were rich you might manage to pay someone who knew how to accomplish the apparently difficult task of making lines on a page. It was expensive partly because parchment didn't exactly grow on trees in those days, but mostly because of the ridiculous size of the font. It was fixed-width and double-line spacing and that's it. Then there was that jerk who came along and carved squiggly lines in red under all of your spelling mistakes. Who was that guy?<br />
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But the real clincher was that even when you had exhausted all of your life savings getting a single copy of your book published onto the dead remains of a small family of animals, less than 10% of the population actually knew how to read it. So after all your hard work you ended up with some dude with a loud voice standing in the town square yelling out his own creative interpretation of your masterpiece for everyone to hear. And all the while you're thinking to yourself, "I could've just done that instead."<br />
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And yet the Christadelphians tell us this was the time when the wisest, most intelligent being (not) in the universe, chose to get his book published. Of course it was.<br />
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If you've read the Bible, and especially the Old Testament, you may be forgiven for thinking the author appears to have had a slight obsession with the smell of burning animal flesh. This might strike you as a little weird for a super-intelligent divine author who was definitely not a human, but the Christadelphians have assured us it is all legit. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that many people living at that time thought sacrificing animals to their various fictitious gods would bring them good fortune. How silly of us to think that the Bible sounds just like most of the other writings from its time. It is clearly very different. For example, the Bible says not to eat pigs because they are "unclean", but the other books didn't say that. So there. Obviously that is something a super-intelligent, divine being would have been concerned about.<br />
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Meanwhile, if you kept on reading, you may perhaps have noticed that the New Testament sounds quite a bit different to the Old Testament, almost like it was written by a different author (or several). Someone, you might say, who seemed rather more interested in Greek and Roman customs in first century Palestine and somewhat less interested in how to treat captive women from other nations when you defeat them in battle.<br />
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The astute reader might also recall reading about superstitious accounts of bright lights in the sky, voices from heaven, zombies, demons, and other wild phenomena, most of which violate all common sense. Obviously the only plausible explanation is that these magical events really happened, because no one living in such a superstitious time period would ever be mistaken about such things, and nor would they have had any reason to write about such things if they were not true. No one, that is, except for all of the other authors around the turn of the first millennium CE who made similar claims of miracles. The Christadelphians again assure us that the only <i>real</i> miracles were the ones written in the Bible, and all of the other miracle stories are fictitious. Obviously.<br />
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But the Christadelphians don't just want you to read the Bible. They want you to know that it is God's word. The divinely-inspired words of the most intelligent and most powerful being ever. That this fact has escaped anyone's notice is highly surprising, but the Christadelphians are sure that everyone who reads the Bible carefully will come to agree with them. Because that has worked out so well for them thus far. Best not compare their growth to that of other religions. It's tough being the only ones who are right. If only people could see that this iron-age book full of myths and miracles and rules about what you mustn't do while naked, is actually the words of a really smart sky person.<br />
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Among the gems that Christadelphians want you to understand is that God didn't really want to flood the world and wipe everyone out in Genesis, but he had no choice. It's not that he didn't see it coming. He obviously did - he's all-knowing. And same with Adam and Eve's stitch-up in the garden of Eden. But he tried to warn them. It's not his fault they didn't listen (Except that being all-powerful and all-knowing it kind of is his fault for making people who he knew wouldn't listen at the crucial moment). God didn't want robots, which is why he made people instead. And gave them super-petty laws. And got upset and cranky when they didn't follow them. Even though he knew they wouldn't. Because they were human. Because he made them that way with those tendencies. It's complicated. But it's really not - God's word is simple. You just need to read it carefully. More carefully than 99.9% of the other Christians who read it. They got it wrong, you see.<br />
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The Christadelphians just want to help you understand what God really meant, so that you don't get it wrong as well. Because if you get it wrong... no you won't burn in hell. That's silly! If you get it wrong, you won't get to play in the magic castle when the (non-human) God's human (hybrid?), undead son beams back "down" from up in the sky somewhere. You do want to play in the magic castle, don't you?<br />
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But wait! How can you know the Christadelphians didn't also get it wrong?<br />
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My dear child, the Christadelphians are never wrong. About anything. So you shouldn't question anything they say. Because they have preserved "the truth" for 150 years since their founder, John Thomas, (re-)discovered it. This is the same "truth" that began as a product of the Restorationist movement in the 19th century along with several other religions such as the JWs, Churches of Christ, SDAs, and the Mormons (which, by the way, were all <i>much</i> more successful at recruiting members). Don't be deterred by the fact that each of those denominations also believes that their group discovered and preserved the real truth all this time. Or the fact that your ancestors just happened to either be descended from or randomly join a religion from that Restorationist movement. That is pretty darn lucky, to be born into the religion that just happens to be right, even though they make up less than 0.001% of the world's population! Amazing! But how unlucky for all those 7 billion other people. Maybe it is more convenient to believe they chose to be unlucky. Yes, that's it. They are evil and they got what they all deserve. But not you. You have been chosen.<br />
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Don't think about it too hard. Just believe, and keep praying for God to forgive you for doing all those things most humans do. Remember, he didn't really mean for humans to be like this. I mean, it wasn't an accident. Perfect gods don't do accidents. But it's going to be better in the future.<br />
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Just think of the magic castle.<br />
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That burning animal flesh is going to smell amazing. Amirite?Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-69836843746147985552019-11-28T21:37:00.000+10:302019-11-28T21:37:27.772+10:30Greek New Testament Fully Reconstructed From Christadelphian Lectures<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5sFUx7Ac5T5Q85Nm3WO7MqW1JeufCz_wmPslFoJJtJXYHT7i6CYhaFX9uZgycx5dpTPNEJDY-vhSG7Pnje0iYWKzZPLBhHVgjcL0Lj5UhdD5t_hSi2emNfUxju4ou2-YxlMwZbnhmOg/s1600/book-1210029_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5sFUx7Ac5T5Q85Nm3WO7MqW1JeufCz_wmPslFoJJtJXYHT7i6CYhaFX9uZgycx5dpTPNEJDY-vhSG7Pnje0iYWKzZPLBhHVgjcL0Lj5UhdD5t_hSi2emNfUxju4ou2-YxlMwZbnhmOg/s320/book-1210029_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>Breaking news:</b> Scholars have managed to reconstruct the entire Greek New Testament text by piecing together all of the Greek words mentioned during Christadelphian lectures.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Christadelphian speakers have long been known for their exceptional ability to translate various English words from the Bible back into its original language, and now this rare talent has truly paid off.<br />
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It has been claimed that even if we lost all manuscripts of the New Testament we could still reconstruct it entirely from quotations by early church fathers. Well, now we can take that a step further and say that even if we didn't have those writings from the early church, we could still reconstruct the complete Greek text of the New Testament from references to the Greek given in Christadelphian lectures worldwide!<br />
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Over hundreds of years, teams of experts have worked tirelessly to translate the Bible into English with the goal of allowing native English speaking people everywhere to read and understand the text in their own language. What a shame these experts never managed to complete this task, having each assumed that a single one-way translation into English was enough. How wrong they were!<br />
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As Christadelphian speakers have been reminding us for many decades, what all of the translators missed was that final step of re-translating the text <i>back</i> into the original Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic, before once again translating it into English one final time. Only by participating in this additional double-translation (making it three translations in total for those following along at home - or four if you started with the Septuagint) can we ever hope to fully understand God's clear and simple message for humanity.<br />
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As we go to press, scholars are now puzzling over all of these Christadelphian lectures wondering whether it is possible to construct anything sensible from the remaining English words.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-49512282431260959552019-02-16T22:05:00.000+10:302019-02-16T22:05:43.838+10:30Major Kingdom Staff Redundancies Rumoured As Sales Figures Well Short Of Estimates<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOYk8fwTPGOsZx52KCvZfUwX_LnDr_lCO5Cv_360OhrRBqyNtD-el1HTsY3wrKf_4bFM_OpF4Ry9voUFBofYsPEDCLj5q5BnJpddOYZsy3X64lzGN2ka-n9rl47FgCRl_Bs4rANpZoXg/s1600/financial-crisis-544944_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="452" data-original-width="640" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOYk8fwTPGOsZx52KCvZfUwX_LnDr_lCO5Cv_360OhrRBqyNtD-el1HTsY3wrKf_4bFM_OpF4Ry9voUFBofYsPEDCLj5q5BnJpddOYZsy3X64lzGN2ka-n9rl47FgCRl_Bs4rANpZoXg/s200/financial-crisis-544944_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
We have overheard rumours of a significant reduction in Kingdom staff due to the number of sales falling far below initial estimates.<br />
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There have been heated arguments between the product team and the marketing department as each has claimed the other is wholly responsible for the shortfall.<br />
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One company spokesperson went so far as to blame the public for not being discerning enough.<br />
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However, several members of the public have raised serious concerns about whether the product can live up to the hype, especially as its claims have yet to be demonstrated at all. Early buyers are allegedly still waiting for the first shipment, and worse still many have died after spending their life's savings on what now appears to be empty promises with nothing to show for it.<br />
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We have reached out to Kingdom Inc's management team for comment but our calls were unanswered.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-73826075587774602722019-02-10T14:07:00.000+10:302019-02-10T14:07:33.387+10:30Latest Kingdom Update Reveals Everyone Literally Gets Own Vine And Fig Tree<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMm0bDDuosmGYbsEudnIbq5Nn_DWvtufiLQeegvLRj1DKomiGyD175AJIc2nhxDJD-ZWjdwQtP_e8TBnOjUnBp1iANbZQ8R7FAbPlXuTuj-15bS_mUQhsjLZDGrCnjgmXBLs78lBWNlw/s1600/fig-tree-900320_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMm0bDDuosmGYbsEudnIbq5Nn_DWvtufiLQeegvLRj1DKomiGyD175AJIc2nhxDJD-ZWjdwQtP_e8TBnOjUnBp1iANbZQ8R7FAbPlXuTuj-15bS_mUQhsjLZDGrCnjgmXBLs78lBWNlw/s200/fig-tree-900320_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Another traveller has returned from the afterlife, bringing the wonderful news that in the Kingdom everyone literally gets their own vine and fig tree to sit under.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>If you're a Christadelphian and you had been eyeing off that nice vine or fig tree down at the local garden centre but were a little unsure on the price, well you can now hold off on that purchase because you'll be getting one of each to enjoy all to yourself in the Kingdom, for free!<br />
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It appears the biblical literalists were right again and the prophet Micah was not actually speaking metaphorically when he foretold of this amazing future time.<br />
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We have also been asked to increase the Christadelphian preaching efforts in order to get a lot more people into the Kingdom. It turns out the land is also literally flowing with milk and honey, and they're having some difficulty with the cleanup effort.<br />
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Attendance was down again this week.<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-85757818244381168492019-02-04T21:06:00.000+10:302019-02-04T21:06:04.849+10:30Speaker Reminds Audience That Present Suffering Is Worthwhile<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic25b7cZabjLLOT2_KUSj6xHMgbu_BRIN0DHwNUo2DMvZ3KfFty02Jit8G45oTKbmsydXXnxplb_pGwCptuTLPs_VDpihTiuRl90IGH_G0R72vBLUKUf3OBaLsEo94vTkAM6xfbdWnRg/s1600/church-1024855_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic25b7cZabjLLOT2_KUSj6xHMgbu_BRIN0DHwNUo2DMvZ3KfFty02Jit8G45oTKbmsydXXnxplb_pGwCptuTLPs_VDpihTiuRl90IGH_G0R72vBLUKUf3OBaLsEo94vTkAM6xfbdWnRg/s200/church-1024855_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
If you found yourself yawning and struggling your way through yesterday's exhort, fear not. The exhorting brother assured us that our suffering isn't worth comparing to the glory that's coming later.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>We admit we weren't paying super close attention ourselves, but from what we heard it sounded like Brother whatsisname had made some deal with God that because his talk was so boring and long and we had to suffer through it, God was going to make it up to us at a later date. He didn't say when - something about no one knows the exact time. Come to think of it, that does sound a bit dodgy. We'll follow up with Brother thingamibob and get back to you.<br />
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After reaching out to Brother so-and-so for clarification, it appears we did get it a bit wrong. It turns out the suffering he mentioned refers to much more than just his talk. The real story is that (I think I got this right) being a Christadelphian in general involves so much suffering that God has said he will need to step in and intervene in order to save them all from it.<br />
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The rescue plan he described did sound pretty weird though. Apparently it involves lying down fully submerged in a bath full of water, with clothes on, while everyone stands around watching, and then later getting married to a dead lamb named Holly.<br />
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It seems a bit excessive. We're not sure why they couldn't just leave. That worked for us.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-23393438890478199492019-01-14T20:22:00.000+10:302019-01-14T20:22:53.617+10:30Christadelphians Excited As Figure Descends From Heaven<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh66rEHKuCTqLqUJhzOp4MLowiH6Quvx0O0j0SU9Zz1114TlrdHS8fFGoo03LZ6vWCtcfTfu8pHY4DnljibGBr4Kgh_YIvbBikB-8qXK8N2Q0UvP0RMMJAw8WWFeBrqZNUzHArLIsv57w/s1600/sun-rays-1081979_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh66rEHKuCTqLqUJhzOp4MLowiH6Quvx0O0j0SU9Zz1114TlrdHS8fFGoo03LZ6vWCtcfTfu8pHY4DnljibGBr4Kgh_YIvbBikB-8qXK8N2Q0UvP0RMMJAw8WWFeBrqZNUzHArLIsv57w/s200/sun-rays-1081979_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
We have received news of a majestic figure slowly descending through the clouds towards the ground, as a small group of excited Christadelphians gathered to witness the amazing event.<div>
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The atmosphere was electric, as one Christadelphian began reciting Acts 1:11 over and over, emphasising the words "shall so come in like manner", referring to the Christadelphian expectation that their saviour would return visibly from the sky.</div>
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As the being slowly came into focus, a hush fell over the crowd, followed by a gasp, as the descending figure turned out to be none other than Mary Poppins!</div>
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We guess that explains the umbrella then. And the high heels.</div>
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As we go to press, word has reached the ABs that Christadelphian attendance at the cinema is now more than double the rate of attendance at the meeting, and thirty-five times more enjoyable.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-2988204054605851072018-11-15T22:31:00.000+10:302018-11-15T22:31:50.545+10:30Ex-Christadelphians Burn Bibles, Accidentally Summon Samuel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjce0fhXOwOfZVvLVs4qe7B_gYmtTFFVa24JQS5VMAcTCpT3DOw2DI47LGqqCRcQo0eUz8QLSWeeXV4CRHU7Ep2T5MxRu_l8WcJmuBwkWFMKVO1jAukqct6ptOW5cvzzYZ13FB-g7iaJw/s1600/campfire-1571263_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="428" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjce0fhXOwOfZVvLVs4qe7B_gYmtTFFVa24JQS5VMAcTCpT3DOw2DI47LGqqCRcQo0eUz8QLSWeeXV4CRHU7Ep2T5MxRu_l8WcJmuBwkWFMKVO1jAukqct6ptOW5cvzzYZ13FB-g7iaJw/s200/campfire-1571263_640.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
A group of Ex-Christadelphians recently got the surprise of a lifetime when a ritual Bible-burning ceremony accidentally summoned the Old Testament prophet Samuel back from the dead.<br />
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Unfortunately no one in the group knew of a humane way to send him back, so he left in search of a certain Witch of Endor after being treated for minor burns.</div>
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As we go to press, the prophet has just strolled past our office, shouting out something about a high score and being resurrected more times than Jesus.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-62557890113267789972018-11-10T22:38:00.000+10:302018-11-10T22:40:42.242+10:30Ex-Christadelphian Satanist Worships Adversaries<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggGgNlsKL_zGSJLZXBbZiadh0ocpQgxOEBsQODIfPJbChezGd5pguw34IFsXjbCV-grzet0vu7Md_j2qv9tK6_GbQe2idh6TSCVauoD5o1Vfbmtqh852s3EytgpIec6hhIFZqZeBdwew/s1600/hell-681998_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggGgNlsKL_zGSJLZXBbZiadh0ocpQgxOEBsQODIfPJbChezGd5pguw34IFsXjbCV-grzet0vu7Md_j2qv9tK6_GbQe2idh6TSCVauoD5o1Vfbmtqh852s3EytgpIec6hhIFZqZeBdwew/s200/hell-681998_640.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
An ex-Christadelphian has ended up in a muddle after attempting to join the Church of Satan, thinking they advocated the worship of adversaries.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Having been a Christadelphian his whole life up until that point, he felt that his perfected adversarial nature made him well suited to the Satanist movement. At first he was proud to learn that Satanists do not believe in a supernatural devil, and congratulated himself on his keen knowledge of Hebrew and Greek words. However, he became confused when he read their manifesto, as it became clear they did not believe in adversary-worship either.<br />
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He did suggest they change their name to the "Ecclesia of the adversary", to no avail.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-72623200551485067452018-08-18T21:59:00.000+09:302018-08-18T21:59:53.147+09:30Christadelphians Declared Endangered Species<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgxlrG4s7K2x6amlAuChaTnsTl-6QLYfasKrs0hcEQpa_F1OCqD86kJmHWY8OLFSCxLikzvX0P5mxIo5ppJ__6IBjLXHU1q9IgyG7sTWgi6H0aiRkVuEfAH4GXIKBSBdOx2EwPBnTpMw/s1600/cyprus-1592957_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgxlrG4s7K2x6amlAuChaTnsTl-6QLYfasKrs0hcEQpa_F1OCqD86kJmHWY8OLFSCxLikzvX0P5mxIo5ppJ__6IBjLXHU1q9IgyG7sTWgi6H0aiRkVuEfAH4GXIKBSBdOx2EwPBnTpMw/s200/cyprus-1592957_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
We regret to announce that The Christadelphians have been officially declared an Endangered Species and that steps are being taken to avoid possible extinction.<br />
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Several elaborate conservation programs have been constructed by the Christadelphians themselves, in an effort to reverse the current downward trends. These programs have been running for several decades with varying success.<br />
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First and foremost is the comprehensive breeding program, also known by such acronyms as CYC, SYP, etc. Young males and females are regularly herded into a large enclosure for up to a couple hours at a time for a course of Identity Reinforcement, followed by food rewards to encourage pair-bonding between males and females. Individuals who pair-bond with another of the same sex are swiftly released back into the wild, as organisers deem them to be unsuited to the goals of the breeding program.<br />
<br />The success of such breeding programs has been phenomenal, as mating pairs produce offspring that are in turn enrolled into the program and so the cycle repeats for each generation. Numbers of offspring exceeding 10 in a single family have been recorded! Mating pairs that do not produce offspring are regularly interrogated to determine whether further assistance is required.<br />
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Also somewhat successful are the obedience classes for the young, where each Sunday they are taught to sit, stand, and beg (also known as "praying"). In some cities, these classes have been followed up with extended programs consisting of roughly 12-13 years of further Identity Reinforcement, designed to prevent individuals from ever inter-breeding with other species or adapting to other environments later in life. Some have raised concerns about a lack of genetic diversity but most Christadelphians appear to be committed to a strict in-breeding policy for now.<br />
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The majority of Christadelphians today are born and raised in captivity, and tend to gather in small herds, or flocks as they prefer to call them. We think the analogy seems appropriate.<br />
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Despite the various conservation programs their numbers remain perilously low. There have been rumours of continuing decline, prompting many to ponder what a world without Christadelphians might look like (or whether anyone would even notice the difference). Organisers have traditionally responded to such fears by building higher fences, increasing punishments for disobedience, and intensifying the sessions of Identity Reinforcement, but will this be enough?Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-50922358903487628122018-08-04T22:48:00.000+09:302018-08-04T22:48:42.282+09:30Christadelphian Struggles To Find Bland Greeting Cards<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeloV_h834KeJgxdbx9MRNYYCiLCHidaaPFW3QyOO0GayTIs09TeisOtU3DKhnS50tZh-oujzpdTNfleDhLuUduo9d2FP9QCwAtpaFPsTqmls0awgg21VofZH2wOtbpQUaF8Zbin-mLg/s1600/greeting-2108635_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="529" data-original-width="640" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeloV_h834KeJgxdbx9MRNYYCiLCHidaaPFW3QyOO0GayTIs09TeisOtU3DKhnS50tZh-oujzpdTNfleDhLuUduo9d2FP9QCwAtpaFPsTqmls0awgg21VofZH2wOtbpQUaF8Zbin-mLg/s200/greeting-2108635_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
A young sister has notified us of a gap in the market for bland greeting cards.<br />
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"It is very difficult to find suitable cards for my brethren and sisters.", Sister Joyless writes.<br />
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"Too many birthday cards say things like 'have an amazing/wonderful day'. How could any day be amazing or wonderful unless it's the day of our masters return?"<br />
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It's a fair complaint, we are sure you'll agree. Here at The Dolphin we think even smiling should be reserved for that great day. I mean, imagine if Jesus returned and that day barely made it into the top ten on the amazingness scale? Awkward.<br />
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Sister Joyless continues:<br />
"So many cards depict images of alcohol or, worse still, contain a vulgar joke."<br />
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The horror! Obviously these should also be reserved for the celebrations when the master returns.<br />
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"And then there are the Get Well cards. Why are there no cards saying get well 'God Willing'? Who am I to ask for someone to get well soon if it is not in our Lord's plan? And 'With Sympathy' doesn't seem right if someone has fallen asleep in the Lord. A card with 'your loved one is awaiting the resurrection' or 'has fallen asleep in the hope of Israel' would be much more suitable."<br />
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Great suggestions. And if we may offer a suggestion of our own, a card for those who have "fallen asleep in the meeting" may also be quite popular.<br />
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She concludes:<br />
"I suppose it must be The Signs of the Times...actually that's a great name for a Christadelphian card shop!"<br />
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It is indeed. Good luck* with the new business venture, dear Sister!<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">* God-willing</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-13950169497823080652018-07-03T20:59:00.000+09:302018-07-03T20:59:03.524+09:30God Still Making Planets After All This Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaOd-SIkVpRib0NDXKFzilAAiehW6XBoX4oMbSN_H9yVma8s-YXPWhgnBN3U96t5us4WxqbIM79yz1V1mfFLjeIrTvlUCq4ZBRTXIk9S_VPKogrA4pJUknQ0M52q62foFGPaM0hXWzwQ/s1600/700.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="420" data-original-width="700" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaOd-SIkVpRib0NDXKFzilAAiehW6XBoX4oMbSN_H9yVma8s-YXPWhgnBN3U96t5us4WxqbIM79yz1V1mfFLjeIrTvlUCq4ZBRTXIk9S_VPKogrA4pJUknQ0M52q62foFGPaM0hXWzwQ/s200/700.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
In the news this week, astronomers have <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jul/02/first-confirmed-image-of-a-newborn-planet-revealed-pds70" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">captured an image</a> of a new planet being formed, some 370 light years from Earth. God seems to have just stepped out of frame as the photo was taken, but you can use your imagination and pretend he's there. That's how believers have been doing it for thousands of years anyway.<br />
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Despite the Bible claiming God created the heavens "in the beginning", it seems he just can't give up his old hobby, and is still hard at work making new planets. Who knew?<br />
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Some estimates put the number of planets in just our galaxy at around 100 billion, and there are well over 100 billion galaxies in the known universe. That's more than a hobby. That's an addiction!<br />
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And would you believe not a single planet outside Earth got a mention in the Bible. None! No wonder he doesn't visit any more.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-20207691332680999612018-07-02T22:29:00.000+09:302018-07-02T22:34:15.337+09:30Baptism Just A Bath With An Audience<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRnlO81_29rDnzOXPRiA0fhZ1Xl_IqQ_cqz6RlxtVPe91OpAlobiLHTwxwgED-ZNG31aLnFHdyLaoKS_1u5C2OdWHc3s8hbYIu-kR_LdEiiGIQb0wf9JBGWEBDoUDNli0y2S5NyHv-Iw/s1600/bathtub-2485957_640+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="640" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRnlO81_29rDnzOXPRiA0fhZ1Xl_IqQ_cqz6RlxtVPe91OpAlobiLHTwxwgED-ZNG31aLnFHdyLaoKS_1u5C2OdWHc3s8hbYIu-kR_LdEiiGIQb0wf9JBGWEBDoUDNli0y2S5NyHv-Iw/s320/bathtub-2485957_640+%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
When God looked down on the spherical Earth and saw everyone sinning, he realised there was a big problem and so he came up with a brilliant plan to solve it. What was this plan, you ask? He told them to have a bath. Genius.<br />
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All men have sinned, so they tell us. We don't know how they know, but we were afraid to ask. Then they told us not to fear, because the Bible has the solution, and it's real simple. You can just wash those sins right off, with water! How about that? You don't even need soap!<br />
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Yes folks, you heard right. God really doesn't like sin (even though he invented it - go figure!), but all you have to do is take a bath and you're all good. We admit we were a tad concerned when they started talking about being washed in the blood of Jesus, but apparently you don't really need to do that and water works just as well. Phew! Besides, how would you really know if it was genuine? And how can everyone bathe in the same guy's blood? Do they recycle it? ew, gross. We'll stick with water, thanks.<br />
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Oh, there is one catch. Well, two, but maybe that thin, white dress will look good on you. When you have your magic bath in your pure, white robe (and your bathers underneath because you know damn well that beige material is gonna go see-through the second it gets wet), all your family and friends, as well as a whole bunch of people you barely know, will gather round and watch! Oh joy. That's not creepy at all.<br />
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And the best bit is you only need one bath (even though the first Christadelphian had at least two because he wasn't sure if the first one was the right kind of bath). Apparently the magic lasts for life. When you do your sins after that you can just tell God you're sorry and he'll be cool with it. Just be sure to have that magic bath first, because the water is like pretend Jesus blood. You should totally think about that when you're lying down in it.<br />
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You see, early on God got super angry about the whole sin thing and wanted to kill everyone for it. But then he changed his mind and decided to have Jesus brutally murdered, and now the rest of us can just have a bath instead. Cool, hey? Thanks, God!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-81021817876185230142018-05-12T23:16:00.000+09:302018-05-12T23:16:52.289+09:30Christadelphian Plays Minecraft Survival Mode, Looks Forward To Creative Mode<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwdUGKBy4mkuJkwohifuNn1jCI907hVUb-kRdWwcEuxeuF8_q_dF0bLDs6raDpn5MhMcLdCXXuTR97HnVz2qDWqtMQT3cBf8LC9QJVgxIOX31TVIwh2eIARxHmXGwjQdAaPB8J0eYrDQ/s1600/minecraft-2155470_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwdUGKBy4mkuJkwohifuNn1jCI907hVUb-kRdWwcEuxeuF8_q_dF0bLDs6raDpn5MhMcLdCXXuTR97HnVz2qDWqtMQT3cBf8LC9QJVgxIOX31TVIwh2eIARxHmXGwjQdAaPB8J0eYrDQ/s320/minecraft-2155470_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
This week we bring you the adventures of Eve, a young Christadelphian who just recently started playing Minecraft, and who appears to have some rather unusual beliefs about the game.<br />
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Eve claims she is actually the second person ever to play Minecraft, despite having only downloaded the game last week. She claims her friend Adam was the first, even though Adam had downloaded the game only a few hours earlier, on the same day. According to Eve, both of them accidentally started in survival mode, and she laments now being forced to spend her time farming, and mining for resources, while avoiding monsters - an ever present reminder of their mortality.<br />
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Many players have attempted to show Eve and her friend the large body of evidence showing that people have been playing the game for several years, but they simply refuse to acknowledge it, and instead they keep quoting from a book in their Minecraft inventory, which they claim was originally written by Herobrine.<br />
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Not all players believe in the existence of Herobrine, but Eve and Adam both insist they regularly communicate with him through telepathy, although they admit they haven't actually seen him. They describe him as a powerful yet loving and benevolent figure, despite the many horrific stories told about him in which entire villages were slaughtered at his command.<br />
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Eve tells of Herobrine's call to remain separate from the other villagers, and of the promise of many rewards if they obey this and other commands written in their book. These commands include having no other heroes besides Herobrine, abstaining from all forms of PvP (killing other players, stealing their inventory etc), sacrificing chickens, and above all, belief in and worship of this one particular zombie called "Jeeves", or something.<br />
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Although neither Eve nor Adam has seen Jeeves personally, their book recounts stories of a few other players who have. Rumour has it that Jeeves was once a normal player like them, but was chosen by Herobrine to carry out a special mission. Some claim they once saw him push some poor village's pigs off a cliff, which earned him the nickname, "pig man". Apparently Jeeves also went around telling people about being chosen by Herobrine, and some of the admins thought he was trying to take over so they soft-banned him and sent him to the nether. However, just 3 days later a few players said they saw this zombie pigman come out of the nether portal and they told everyone Jeeves was back again, although a few of his former friends didn't seem to recognise him at first. Shortly after this, Jeeves disappeared and has not been seen by anyone since, except in visions and dreams.<br />
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Eve then told us of her hope that one day "soon" Jeeves would respawn and build the best castle anyone has ever built in Minecraft (although we thought her "artist renditions" were rather disappointing). He would then overthrow the admins and become OP, before setting the difficulty to peaceful. This would give him access to the /kill command which he would use against anyone who stood in his way. Those who firmly believed in Jeeves would then be granted access to gamemode 1, otherwise known as Creative Mode.<br />
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As we go to press, a band of Christadelphian players were seen wielding torches and weapons and quoting Exodus 22:18.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-54484345934666151442018-04-09T22:10:00.000+09:302018-05-12T23:22:45.544+09:30Buried Ancient Scroll Found (BASF): Christadelphians Reveal Amazing Papyrus<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdv6jt3Cxm7XawOuc_vC1qRvtoyjg-5IWO9P752OlqLe5jVbuBMr6YOl7k21GZ0HrVuBKoknYnQQSSerjQCQsXVZupEPeP6NM5XtRS5VpHsdr4XHBeoWw5IlgPFqevtK6whZoa7cZjLw/s1600/bible-1679746_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="398" data-original-width="640" height="124" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdv6jt3Cxm7XawOuc_vC1qRvtoyjg-5IWO9P752OlqLe5jVbuBMr6YOl7k21GZ0HrVuBKoknYnQQSSerjQCQsXVZupEPeP6NM5XtRS5VpHsdr4XHBeoWw5IlgPFqevtK6whZoa7cZjLw/s200/bible-1679746_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Christadelphians are celebrating the recent discovery of an ancient document believed to have been written in the late 19th century, which appears to contain a list of barely intelligible statements about a collection of much older texts.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>However, the discovery has puzzled a number of scholars as they struggle to decipher its message and figure out what it all means. Given the nonsensical nature of the content inside, much of the discussion has instead centered around the front cover, on which is inscribed the letters B.A.S.F.<br />
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Here at The Dolphin we decided to have a crack at guessing what this document might be, and to that end we present a number of suggestions as to the meaning of this "four letter word":<br />
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<li>Become A Staunch Fundamentalist</li>
<li>Beliefs About Sacred Fables</li>
<li>Beware Accumulating Suicidal Fantasies</li>
<li>Bronze Age Science Fiction</li>
<li>Bigotry And Spiritual Fascism</li>
<li>Building Another Separatist Feud</li>
<li>Bury At Six Feet</li>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-1388304379961386482018-04-02T22:07:00.000+09:302018-04-02T22:07:05.421+09:30Fun Facts About Christadelphians<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCsFaXv9iBn5fjUSmgQdWyoLzJ9ZgZGiBV81zGGyY-iDj6IU37AiXJESHN2fQlX0_1Gec8b-wLReq42a8JHy2pgGCYDCmWy8iKjGGKAZx_9i3vS6rtPGHRYDlYR4UdG91g9UUoDAfidA/s1600/composing-2550334_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCsFaXv9iBn5fjUSmgQdWyoLzJ9ZgZGiBV81zGGyY-iDj6IU37AiXJESHN2fQlX0_1Gec8b-wLReq42a8JHy2pgGCYDCmWy8iKjGGKAZx_9i3vS6rtPGHRYDlYR4UdG91g9UUoDAfidA/s200/composing-2550334_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Today we bring you a selection of fun facts you probably had no idea you were missing until now.<br />
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<b>In no particular order...</b><br />
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According to census data from around the world, more people claim to follow the "Jedi" religion than the Christadelphian one. In 2011, the number of people in Australia alone who put "Jedi" as their religion was higher than the total number of Christadelphians in the world.<br />
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Scientology grew faster than the Christadelphian religion.<br />
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There are many more Jains, Rastafarians and Zoroastrians (each, not combined), than there are Christadelphians.<br />
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The average person is more likely to be struck by lightning during their lifetime than become a Christadelphian. This includes being born into the religion.<br />
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More people get struck by lightning each year than the number of non-Christadelphians who join the religion over the same period.<br />
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There are more elephants than Christadelphians.<br />
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There are more whales than Christadelphians.<br />
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<a href="https://pierwiastekzla.wordpress.com/worldreligionstree/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here is a chart</a> of world religions. Christadelphians are not listed on it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOzifPsfm8nEc1vl_u0rQWHny5B08Ik6rd8m2gJYJTQjvM-_DS51tYbp75TmtDru263vJK9Q2gOSKo8SkIu1Rm8fCpSaD-EDeTjO3DOkcCpUPw_OcNZqHSt1OErcgkAeA3-gsySo5wvQ/s1600/religions_chart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="762" data-original-width="1016" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOzifPsfm8nEc1vl_u0rQWHny5B08Ik6rd8m2gJYJTQjvM-_DS51tYbp75TmtDru263vJK9Q2gOSKo8SkIu1Rm8fCpSaD-EDeTjO3DOkcCpUPw_OcNZqHSt1OErcgkAeA3-gsySo5wvQ/s400/religions_chart.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b>And finally...</b><br />
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The ratio of Ex-Christadelphians to Christadelphians is greater than the ratio of Christadelphians to the rest of the world.<br />
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This would still be true even if there was only one Ex-Christadelphian.<br />
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--<br />
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Now of course, this is all just a bit of fun and obviously doesn't mean anything. Truth isn't determined by the number of people who believe a thing, and so on.<br />
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But suppose the Christadelphians are right. This leads to some bizarre outcomes such as two billion Christians somehow failing to interpret God's apparently clear message to them, and then being judged for it even though an all-knowing God would've known the text wouldn't be understood when he authored it. Millions of people in other religions somehow thought other texts were written by God instead. But perhaps most striking of all is the realisation that your family of birth becomes the single most influential factor on whether or not you would be saved.<br />
<br />For the Christadelphian readers, you must feel incredibly lucky to have been born into the "one true religion", especially after realising how statistically unlikely it is that you would have become a Christadelphian otherwise.<br />
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To put it another way, you were more likely to be born into a family in the top 1% financial bracket than to be born into a Christadelphian family. I apologise if that causes you to feel some regret.<br />
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For the rest of you who are not Christadelphians and wondering why you're so apparently unlucky, it's just statistics. There are just many things that are statistically more likely than you being or becoming a Christadelphian.<br />
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Probably you were born into a non-Christadelphian family. Maybe you haven't yet been struck by lightning.<br />
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Or maybe you're an elephant.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-37757040126003581322018-03-31T22:37:00.000+10:302018-03-31T22:37:15.511+10:30Christadelphians Still Trying To Convince Selves That Human Sacrifice Totally A Normal Thing For A God To Require<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-qPNt12dVrenhw4SzDrdMgBIsIbOd14Q2flxVW3W9uAJqJYRnvp067ilJaJpRMFZD5pCCWS0URgNEFsVLXkHHVz4-YFB5IuBZUVgxCfVPdIPUzxrI3_B1aFFDgLmSCf3pzBtyytpwXw/s1600/hieroglyphs-541146_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="423" data-original-width="640" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-qPNt12dVrenhw4SzDrdMgBIsIbOd14Q2flxVW3W9uAJqJYRnvp067ilJaJpRMFZD5pCCWS0URgNEFsVLXkHHVz4-YFB5IuBZUVgxCfVPdIPUzxrI3_B1aFFDgLmSCf3pzBtyytpwXw/s200/hieroglyphs-541146_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Christadelphian brains are set to receive a thorough workout this weekend as they undergo the mental gymnastics required to reconcile human sacrifice with an all-powerful, all-loving God in the 21st century.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>To this end, it is recommended that Christadelphians continue to ignore the fact that human sacrifice was a thing throughout the times and cultures in which the biblical texts were written. The many correlations between human cultures and biblical contents can be rather inconvenient when trying to fool oneself into believing humans didn't come up with this stuff on their own.<div>
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Of course it's <i>possible</i>, as some argue, that God was simply adopting the language and customs of the day, which is another way of saying it may quack exactly like a duck, but it's really just God making duck noises. Or perhaps the real reason it was written in the iron age is because God, being all-knowing and all, realised that if he had waited until today to write his story about an all-powerful god requiring human sacrifice to rescue humanity from himself by exploiting a loophole in a law he invented, he might have struggled to find a publisher. Also the cycle of indoctrination works best if you start early.<br />
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It's unfortunate when your 19th century religion based on a collection of iron-age texts happens to hold human sacrifice as one of its core ideas. I am of course referring to the very important, fundamental Christadelphian doctrine known as "The Atonement", wherein God apparently had to kill one person in order to forgive other people. We're not supposed to ask why, or how that even makes sense.<br />
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It could be worse. Prior to the killing of that one person, the same god apparently required animals to be routinely sacrificed, which again somehow allowed him to forgive people. Again, don't ask! I guess we should be thankful that the ancient cults that required child sacrifice all died out - although it's not too difficult to see why. Who would have thought that systematically wiping out the next generation might not bode well for the future of your tribe?<br />
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Still, the biblical god appears to have dabbled with child sacrifice at least once, when he asked Abraham to <strike>murder</strike> sacrifice his own son, only to suddenly change course. Of course Christadelphians will be quick to argue that God didn't really intend for Abraham to kill his son. No no, he just wanted Abraham to <i>think</i> that's what he intended. Tell me again how this makes it all better?<br />
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They say it was a test of allegiance, or "faith", but like many acts of faith it required a person to violate their sense of reason or morality (or both), and instead blindly and unquestioningly follow a command that no good, loving, rational person would otherwise follow. Let's be crystal clear. There is no hero in this story. It's a command to commit cold-blooded murder, followed by actual intent to murder, followed by praise and reward for the would-be murderer. A truly loving being would not issue the command and a moral being would not follow it!<br />
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As we go to press, spare a thought for Christadelphian parents bracing themselves for the day when their child starts asking questions about it all. Perhaps that's what the chocolate eggs are for.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-61621704391497488892018-02-12T22:05:00.000+10:302018-02-12T22:05:06.656+10:30The "Good" Shepherd Is Probably Not Vegetarian<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMdLX1XATbPm8IHZ-71Cq73XpUhCOYyQ9aV4UhQmju4tl-ObQ-nfTEJg85qZQK4Z8K-tYpI2FRMAJ7RMoTe886jCuQc77qhq039uOd2CKXSbvKDQZZIxWg2Iti9Tp1Wc-L231OYMsMRw/s1600/rack-of-lamb-719639_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMdLX1XATbPm8IHZ-71Cq73XpUhCOYyQ9aV4UhQmju4tl-ObQ-nfTEJg85qZQK4Z8K-tYpI2FRMAJ7RMoTe886jCuQc77qhq039uOd2CKXSbvKDQZZIxWg2Iti9Tp1Wc-L231OYMsMRw/s200/rack-of-lamb-719639_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Christadelphians continue to proudly promote the analogy of themselves as sheep following a shepherd, apparently blissfully unaware of the reason shepherds keep sheep.<br />
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Surveys suggest that 9 out of 10 sheep believe they are being prepared for a future "paradise" and that the shepherd has something wonderful in store for them.<br />
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Meanwhile, the remaining 1 in 10 bear a striking resemblance to wolves and claim to be able to speak on behalf of the shepherd, who remains conveniently "absent".Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-6124655569776922292017-12-27T21:35:00.000+10:302017-12-27T21:35:16.924+10:30Christadelphians Face Legal Action After Miracle Reenactment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBRWEy60ku2zFb2edzs4NzjSyWW2CiisOPxJjavMioJt8qr36JfNG1mhhWC1rGs7XL-zIMrAKkHXTbd5Lll8RgKda1486ayOny2s7CqwxJlQ-h4h01tyJ0x7PKC455zNL4fuxJlbsO0Q/s1600/piglet-1332259_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="640" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBRWEy60ku2zFb2edzs4NzjSyWW2CiisOPxJjavMioJt8qr36JfNG1mhhWC1rGs7XL-zIMrAKkHXTbd5Lll8RgKda1486ayOny2s7CqwxJlQ-h4h01tyJ0x7PKC455zNL4fuxJlbsO0Q/s200/piglet-1332259_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Several animal welfare organisations are threatening legal action after a recent prize-giving event in which Christadelphians reenacted the miracle where Jesus sent a herd of pigs off a cliff.<br />
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Authorities were contacted following reports of an occult ritual involving some kind of exorcism, followed by other reports of flying pigs.<br />
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At press time, the superintendent was last seen desperately trying to escape from an angry farmer who had just discovered his pigs were missing.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-70894949048561047262017-12-27T20:15:00.000+10:302017-12-27T20:15:48.179+10:30Christadelphian Man Recreates Noah's Flood While Taking A Bath<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXucjLB1XQy5W99YBhIRUjH5sDRicYR1Waca9E-0KFL8deNjOMbNwl-StQaukDk_mwP6TYW1KjlrytondaSPseK-h_Is7oZ4wg1-xwWifAzzXX7bzkZJfZcsJB_5WbGtAh-LvI74Jmwg/s1600/bathtub-2485957_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="640" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXucjLB1XQy5W99YBhIRUjH5sDRicYR1Waca9E-0KFL8deNjOMbNwl-StQaukDk_mwP6TYW1KjlrytondaSPseK-h_Is7oZ4wg1-xwWifAzzXX7bzkZJfZcsJB_5WbGtAh-LvI74Jmwg/s200/bathtub-2485957_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
A Christadelphian man has recreated the conditions of Noah's flood while taking a bath.<br />
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Sources close to the man have confirmed that given his size and weight, the water level would have risen quite rapidly, causing local flooding initially and perhaps even covering the tops of the mountains as the man lay down. At this point the taps were turned off, simulating the windows of heaven being closed. Meanwhile, the "fountains of the great deep" were not operational on this occasion, which is probably for the best.<br />
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The man, who says he had a "God's eye view" of the unfolding events, described a small boat that was used to keep several of the toy animals and a few people afloat for the duration of the flood. The remaining animals and little people were said to have sadly drowned in the flood waters, although we suspect a few of them suffocated as they were buried under several tonnes of earth.<br />
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It seems none of the toy dinosaurs ended up on the boat, and will probably have to be recovered from the bottom of the bath at a later date.<br />
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After about an hour, during which there was some occasional undersea volcanic activity resulting in strong ripples on the surface and evidence of hot gases rising into the atmosphere, the floodwater eventually began to subside when the man pulled the plug.<br />
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At press time, several elements of the man's story have been called into question, as recent investigations have found no trace of the boat and so far the evidence suggests there was never more than a few inches of water in the bath. However, the man insists his story is true and says he wrote it all down in his diary, on page 6.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-59453812475814366262017-11-09T22:06:00.000+10:302017-11-09T22:06:02.543+10:30Average Christadelphian Thinks Guardian Angel Probably Enjoys Their Job<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7HR5OlD0rJEaMlY7Ldf7SPT_nVWq3ebNW1QrijY-sj1DfIDCyIZ_cKQa7HZL-ZV0JumFvGFdUUzK-2JhsZLEcFOI6JsW2-MKK2w7XEW19I-jfDss4K4UD3PeLI1fWvwVU-7ojaxDOw/s1600/anxiety-2878767_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7HR5OlD0rJEaMlY7Ldf7SPT_nVWq3ebNW1QrijY-sj1DfIDCyIZ_cKQa7HZL-ZV0JumFvGFdUUzK-2JhsZLEcFOI6JsW2-MKK2w7XEW19I-jfDss4K4UD3PeLI1fWvwVU-7ojaxDOw/s200/anxiety-2878767_640.jpg" width="200" /></a>A recent survey suggests that the average Christadelphian is pretty sure that their personal guardian angel probably enjoys following them around everywhere.<br />
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Most survey respondents reported that they had not given much thought to how their angel passes the time while they themselves were sitting on the toilet, or taking a shower. All respondents indicated that they would prefer if their angel at least looked the other way, or preferably found something else to do, out of respect for their privacy.<br />
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Many initially felt that while they were asleep their angel could head across the world and look after someone in another timezone. However, they quickly revised their answer after reading the follow-on question about hearing noises in their house at night. Perhaps angels could read a good book or something while keeping watch over them all night, every night.<br />
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One Christadelphian said they liked to imagine their angel sitting with them at the table during meals, but conceded that things could get a little awkward when all the seats were occupied by family members and friends.<br />
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Unfortunately we got no responses to the last question, which asked whether Christadelphians looked forward to their future role of following someone else around all day without their knowledge, and just keeping watch while never actually participating in anything or physically interacting with the person in any way.<br />
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Attendance was down again this week.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-85624677330911874772017-11-09T21:12:00.000+10:302017-11-09T21:15:36.278+10:30Christadelphian Sneaks Bath Bomb Into Baptismal Bath<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0WQIwPGj1hjHo70S06eFQ8qBW-cqxduDxb7CFqeuYtYXe9n8p8aDpFv3m0sejELdys1diYSm_k4_UPUCG0aT5tqlAlC7hVh9mzjnf-Q8CSDoXzMCvZ8mJt20Ms7XDdwR1LP5LJmh8Lg/s1600/bath-2562326_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0WQIwPGj1hjHo70S06eFQ8qBW-cqxduDxb7CFqeuYtYXe9n8p8aDpFv3m0sejELdys1diYSm_k4_UPUCG0aT5tqlAlC7hVh9mzjnf-Q8CSDoXzMCvZ8mJt20Ms7XDdwR1LP5LJmh8Lg/s200/bath-2562326_640.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Christadelphians were in shock and amazement at the same time last Sunday after a young Christadelphian managed to sneak a bath bomb into the baptismal bath as she was getting baptised.<br />
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There were gasps from the audience as she rose from the bath, her formerly white robe now a brilliant pink with bright blue and purple streaks throughout. The dazzling display of colour splashed over a previously <strike>white</strike> beige gown served as a beautiful metaphor for the heretical injection of life and energy into a religion so dull that its members literally pretend to die in order to join.<br />
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As we go to press we are pleased to report that sales of bath bombs have suddenly skyrocketed, and we've just been informed of another baptism next week. We're hoping for some fluorescent green and perhaps some bath bubbles to match...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-38794234415555168582017-11-05T11:24:00.000+10:302017-11-05T11:24:26.530+10:30Atheist Confident Bible Is Wrong Despite Having Never Read It<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3JMHTZAI1MLI9z3EQvXKdnLqtK5F3qg-ypww29ZbiEJUNgaLU8oZfq8eOQq3szm7nirsLfiEgUANE0aVceMlHmoS0HbZhC9L_2Onhyn-NEaeaSeKR4mofWpzCDQ158Kk5oKDhKjDR_w/s1600/bible-2778631_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3JMHTZAI1MLI9z3EQvXKdnLqtK5F3qg-ypww29ZbiEJUNgaLU8oZfq8eOQq3szm7nirsLfiEgUANE0aVceMlHmoS0HbZhC9L_2Onhyn-NEaeaSeKR4mofWpzCDQ158Kk5oKDhKjDR_w/s320/bible-2778631_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Sorry, the headline is wrong (I read it). A Christadelphian man has expressed his confidence that evolution is false despite having read very little on the subject from official sources.<br />
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The man has produced a long list of arguments he claims disprove evolution. The problem is that evolution is consistent with most of them. The few that actually would have disproven evolution had they been true, have turned out to be false.<br />
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We have provided the man with a stamp which says "said no scientist ever" and encouraged him to stamp all of the appropriate arguments in his list.<br />
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When we also showed him the <a href="http://www.talkorigins.org/indexcc/list.html" target="_blank">Index to Creationist Claims</a> on talkorigins.org, he merely expressed disappointment that someone else had created an even longer list of arguments before him. He then summarily dismissed all of the rebuttals without reading them.<br />
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At press time, we received a new argument from the man, which reads as follows:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
"If the Bible is true, why are there still monkeys?"</div>
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You've got us there. Well played, sir.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4917924880636643635.post-22967191776052325572017-10-25T19:53:00.000+10:302017-10-25T19:53:20.877+10:30Jesus Spotted Near Distant Galaxy By NASA Telescope<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY-3OaFDRVqDLqLZS5pGQVUsgz3rC7DmjSnsDvkvTTuEIxA_rzpYyCRKu17f_DpasYBpck36Za3DBoMB-HVfYAO2x_dvMV2YrRfQhmlqRLtQ76SQAIr9VM5UANj7z7SEZxdixRY9di8w/s1600/observatory-2224991_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY-3OaFDRVqDLqLZS5pGQVUsgz3rC7DmjSnsDvkvTTuEIxA_rzpYyCRKu17f_DpasYBpck36Za3DBoMB-HVfYAO2x_dvMV2YrRfQhmlqRLtQ76SQAIr9VM5UANj7z7SEZxdixRY9di8w/s320/observatory-2224991_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Jesus is returning! This is the claim making headline news everywhere today, as NASA reports spotting Jesus near a distant galaxy about 4 million light years away.<br />
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Here at The Dolphin, we can't be sure whether he is actually returning or whether he's still out there searching for his dad. The universe is really big after all, and according to some Christians, God may be outside it altogether. But Jesus wouldn't have known that 2000 years ago when he set off. Not much we can do for him now. He's miles from the nearest wifi even.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com