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Christadelphians Struggling To Compete With Hell As Punishment For Unbelievers

Several leaders in the Christadelphian community are calling for an update to the BASF in order to compete with mainstream Christianity with regard to the eternal fate of unbelievers.

The idea of eternal torment is conspicuously absent from Christadelphian theology, prompting some Christadelphians to speculate whether this omission has led to more people leaving the religion than would otherwise be the case. The fear of an eternal damnation condemnation in a fiery hell has long been identified as a powerful motivator to hold fast to the Christian faith, with mainstream Christianity making up almost two thirds of the world's current population of more than 7 billion people. In contrast, the worldwide Christadelphian community with only 50,000 or so members, is feeling the heat, so to speak.

Such a powerful fear-based tool for behavioural coercion has been the envy of Christadelphians for some time now. With no threats of burning flesh and agonising screams to fall back on, Christadelphian parents have had to improvise when trying to bribe their children to attend meetings, eat their vegetables, and so on.

"If only we had something more threatening, more terrifying...", said one Christadelphian father with 18 children. "We have tried telling the kids that God would be unhappy with them or that they wouldn't get to play with lions in the kingdom but once they reach the age of 8 that doesn't seem to have much effect on them any more", he said.

"My Christian colleagues at work are always bragging about the look of fear on their kids' faces whenever the topic of hell comes up", said a Christadelphian mother with 12 children, 7 of them teenagers. "It's not fair. I've tried everything to get my kids to do Bible study. There's only so many ways you can emphasize the weeping and gnashing of teeth, and when I do they just tell me that's how they already feel every time they attend the Sunday meetings", she said.

The call to update the BASF went out following a memorial meeting last Sunday, in which the morbid sound of the final hymn combined with the sheer boredom of having just sat through an hour-long exhortation, caused one member to gouge out an eyeball and saw off his leg.

Realising that their vague threats of "outer darkness" could not even compete with the suffering caused by their own meetings let alone eternal torment in hell, the ABs admitted defeat and gave the following announcement:

Brothers and sisters, we are deeply concerned about the decline in attendance at the meetings, and wish to remind everyone that prolonged absence from the table of the Lord will result in a visit from the ABs in order to discuss the finer points contained within the BASF and The Ecclesial Constitution.

Our sources indicate that attendance at the mid-week Bible class was at 100% for the first time in 30 years.

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