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Showing posts from August, 2017

Ex-Christadelphian Gets Sick After Effectual Fervent Prayer Of Righteous Christadelphian

An ex-Christadelphian has fallen ill after a righteous Christadelphian offered an effectual fervent prayer.

God Thankful For Reminders Of Bible Verses In Christadelphian Prayers

Today we received a note from God himself, asking us to pass on his deep gratitude to Christadelphians who often quote sections of the Bible to him in prayers.

Emergency AB Meeting Held After Sister Uses The C Word

Arranging Brethren have scrambled for an emergency meeting this week after a sister was caught using the C word.

Heaven's Call Centre Replaces Angels With New Voice Recognition System

In what was originally marketed as a move to better serve customer needs, angels in heaven's call centre have been replaced with a new voice recognition system that automatically prioritises and routes prayers to their appropriate department.

Panic In Heaven As Two Christadelphians Pray For Same Parking Space

An intense battle has broken out in heaven after two Christadelphians prayed for God to find them a parking space, when only one space was available.

Christadelphian Family Feared They Had Been Left Behind By Jesus After Arriving Early For Sunday School

Reports have surfaced of a Christadelphian family who feared that they had been "left behind" after arriving early for Sunday School and finding no one else there.

Ecclesia Adopts The Lolcat Bible As Official Bible Version

In a move that is sure to get many Christadelphians' hackles up, an ecclesia has adopted the Lolcat Bible as their official Bible version.

Australian Christadelphian Men Discover They Are Not Legally Allowed To Marry Jesus

Spare a thought for Australian Christadelphian men today as they have just recently learned that they cannot legally marry Jesus as part of the "bride of Christ" under the current Australian Constitution, which currently bans same-sex marriage.

Young Christadelphians Admit To Playing Exhort Bingo On Regular Basis

In a recent survey, many young Christadelphians admitted to playing "Exhort Bingo" on a regular basis. The game is played just like regular bingo, with numbers being replaced by commonly-used Christadelphian words or phrases, like "atonement" or "God-willing".

Confusion As Presider Ends Prayer Without Saying Amen

Several Christadelphians were left standing with their eyes closed last Sunday after the Presiding Brother ended a prayer without saying, "Amen".

Youngsters Suffer Bitter Defeat At Sunday Fraternal Lunch

Yesterday's brutal clash between the Youngsters and the Oldies has left the Youngsters with egg on their faces, literally. Our reporters were on the scene to capture the highs and lows as they unfolded.

Anti-evolution Lecture Postponed Due To Speaker Catching Flu Virus

An upcoming lecture on creationism has had to be postponed due to the scheduled speaker catching a new strand of influenza virus.

Entire Ecosystem Found Living In Christadelphian's Hat

During the exhortation on Sunday, a young girl spotted an entire ecosystem living in the hat worn by the Christadelphian sister sitting in the row in front.

Gender-Neutral Bathroom Discovered In Christadelphian's Home

A prominent Christadelphian brother may soon be disfellowshipped following the discovery of a gender-neutral bathroom in his home, located in the north-eastern suburbs of Adelaide.

Christadelphian Not Sure What To Pray For During Emblems After Having Pretty Good Week

A Christadelphian has reported being unsure of what to pray about during the bread and wine after having what she described as a "pretty good week".

"I was a bit stuck for content. I had done all my daily readings, and had already prayed for generic forgiveness that morning to cover any sins of omission, so my slate was actually pretty clean", she told reporters, "so I just kind of said, 'hi' and asked what God and Jesus had been up to during the week."

She also admitted to finishing her prayer a bit too early and after realising everyone else still had their heads bowed, she shut her eyes and counted a further 30 seconds before taking another peek.

The Sower Replaced With Modern Farming Machinery In 2018 Lesson Book

Christadelphian parents across the world are in an uproar after hearing reports that the familiar parable of the sower will be updated to feature modern farming machinery in next year's lesson book.

Steward Accidentally Drops Tray While Carrying The Emblems

A steward has accidentally dropped his tray while carrying the emblems, causing some of the bread and wine to spill onto the floor of the hall. There were gasps from the first three rows, with some members asking if the steward was ok.

"I felt so embarrassed", the steward told witnesses afterwards, "it was a rookie mistake - my shoelace had come undone and I tripped on it."

Some members filed a formal complaint to the ABs, saying that the commotion had disrupted the general decorum of the meeting, and the resulting giggles from the audience made it difficult to focus on the seriousness of the situation.

One member voiced concern over the fact that the emblems represented Jesus's body and blood, and hoped that Jesus didn't mind his figurative organs ending up all over the wooden floorboards. Those particular pieces of Jesus's figurative body were quickly swept up and thrown in the bin outside.

Christadelphian Realises That "The World" Is Actually Just A Bunch Of Other People

After being warned to keep separate from "the world" her entire life, a Christadelphian woman in her late twenties was surprised to discover that the world is actually just a bunch of regular people.

Christadelphian Discovers An Even Smaller Religion

A Christadelphian has discovered a religion even smaller than the Christadelphians. The discovery has caused quite a stir in the Christadelphian community.

"I've always thought Jesus was talking about us when he said, 'narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it'", said the Christadelphian who made the discovery, "but now I'm not sure who he was referring to. What if there is yet an even smaller religion?"

As we go to press, a group of concerned Christadelphians are trying to figure out whether the new religion will still be small enough for Jesus if they all join it.

Christadelphian Shocked To Meet Stranger Who Has Already Heard Of The Christadelphians

Yesterday an elderly Christadelphian reported having a conversation with a complete stranger who had already heard of the Christadelphians.

Christadelphians Struggling To Compete With Hell As Punishment For Unbelievers

Several leaders in the Christadelphian community are calling for an update to the BASF in order to compete with mainstream Christianity with regard to the eternal fate of unbelievers.

Jesus Disfellowshipped For Refusing To Wear A Suit

It's official. Several sources have confirmed that Jesus Christ was recently disfellowshipped from the Christadelphian community after refusing to wear a suit and tie to the memorial meeting.

Spelling Error Discovered In The Book Of Hezekiah

The Christadelphian community is in shock following the recent discovery of a spelling error in the Bible's Book of Hezekiah, chapter 2 verse 3.

"We were just doing the daily readings and suddenly there it was", said Harold Harolds, the brother who allegedly spotted the typo.

"Next minute there was total chaos. People were shouting, some were crying, and several family members tore that page clean out of their Bibles!", he said.

News of the discovery quickly spread throughout the Christadelphian community, and ABs from across the country have been scrambling to figure out what to do about it. There are rumours of a split, with some members claiming that the misspelled word has resulted in a heretical interpretation of the doctrine of God Manifestation. Others are calling it a sign from God, showing that the end is near.

All Christadelphians are urged to remain calm as ABs work on a new updated revision of the BASF, to be known as the BASFU.

Christadelphian Stayed Awake Through Entire Lecture

A Christadelphian has reportedly stayed awake for the entire duration of a Sunday evening lecture. Witnesses are describing it as a "miracle", and a "sign from God".

The Christadelphian, a man in his early twenties, said he had not taken any illegal substances and was quite surprised he had managed to keep himself from falling asleep for the full hour and twenty minutes.

"I had a bit of a late one the night before, and so I slept in and missed the memorial meeting. I think that's probably what gave me the extra stamina I needed to pull through", he said.